So, I Wrote a Book — One Angry Waitress

During the last year-and-a-half, my life exploded. While I was picking up the pieces and trying to move toward a day-to-day that was less self-destructive, I was also working toward publishing a collection of essays that I’d been tinkering with for over a decade. It was a truly strange time in my life. Everything was messy and wildly out of control, but I had also signed a contract to do this thing that I’d always wanted to do—a thing I never believed I’d actually get to experience.

The book, “Standing in the Footprints of Beasts,” is largely about trauma. I wrote it because I felt lonely after I left the church and my hometown, in fact I was lonely for years. I pushed the most well-meaning people away because I didn’t think I deserved their kindness, nor did I trust it. I wrote this book for people like me, in hopes that, if they were going through something similar it would give them comfort and maybe a sort of company too.

I worried so much in the beginning that I’d written this book for the wrong reasons. I knew that just reading it would hurt some people I really cared about. And I found myself spending a weird amount of time in churches, places I’d largely avoided for years. Initially, I just cried a lot. Then I started having these conversations in my head. I wanted to be as sure as I could that my intentions for publishing were pure, and I do believe they are.

I hope too, that my readers won’t think I’m glorifying self-destructive behaviour. Several months ago, I got a comment about just that on my blog. The missive told me that my actions and my rage wouldn’t save me, and I was perplexed, because I never thought they would. If anything, there were years that I hoped they would be the things to end me. And I was fairly certain that everyone could see through my bravado and know that was all it was: bravado.

While I’m proud of the work that I’ve created, I know I made a lot of mistakes on the road to creation. I did a lot of stumbling for years. This book is not a prescription for how anyone should live their life. Rather, it’s a document of the things I experienced while on the road to something better. If you read it, I hope it gives you comfort. I hope it makes you laugh when you need to laugh. I hope, in some small way, it helps to carry you in whatever you’re going through.